Something is happening to me. I keep waking up around 3:00/3:30 AM and I’m not able to get back to sleep. I’m emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. This week’s Day Of Silence was… it was… okay honestly? I don’t want to talk about it. I had just a brutal day. I did something I haven’t done in a really really long time. I completely lost my temper. And no one wants to hear about that. AND I’m embarrassed to admit it. It was so Grade 8! Being vulnerable with these posts is fine when you can spin things into the light, but when all you feel is the darkness winning – why the hell would anyone want to read about that?
You’d think that practising the sacred art of silence for nine weeks would have brought me some friggin’ utopian rainbow hippy peace by now. I’m really trying hard to get to a place like this:
“Being strong is to love someone in silence, to radiate happiness when we are unhappy, to forgive someone who does not deserve forgiveness, to stay calm in moments of despair, to show joy when we do not feel it, to smile when we want to cry, to make someone happy when our own heart is broken, to be silent when we feel like screaming our anguish, to comfort when we need to be comforted, and to have faith when we no longer believe.”
But during this week’s day of silence, I actually felt more like… rainbows suck! And so do the people around me who all seem to be so hypersensitive about 1st world problems. I honestly feel that the best thing for this self entitled thin skinned group of millennials still living with mommy and daddy would be a mandatory draft! Could you imagine if, God forbid, North America ever went to war? It would be over in a week. All our enemy would have to do is call us names or poke some sarcastic fun at us and our culture would break down crying. And then, with their dying breath, they’d take a selfie video of how offended they felt because their personal rights and feelings were violated. Oh and one more thing… RAINBOWS SUCK!
SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT MARSHALL? As much as I hate to admit this, all I came up with were the words of Gandhi. “Drew, how can YOU be the change you want to see?” (You didn’t know that Gandhi and I were tight did you?”) In a war, someone’s got to make the first move and lay their weapons down. So what are MY weapons that I need to lay down? Ego? Pride? Expectations? Judgement? Justification? Blame shift? The need to be right? I don’t know about you, but when I feel wounded, all I want to do is pick up a weapon.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – Rumi
Spiritual Benefit During My 9th Day Of Silence = It felt like a minus 8/10 but was probably higher. I’ll get back to you on that.